Tuesday, 21 September 2010
I've decided to dust the dirt off my blog and start afresh. The last post I made was more than half a year ago, and while I still feel lazy at the thought of blogging, there're many things I wanna get off my chest. So today's post is probably going to be a lengthly, EMO! angst-filled one.
These few months have been a living nightmare for me. And it all started after I left my job. At first, I was excited; visions of visiting my ex-colleagues often, keeping in touch with them, hanging out with friends every now and then, being able to spend more time on my schoolwork and maintain my grades - all were terribly attractive to me, and I basked in the warmth of having more control over my life.
In reality, it's the opposite. I didn't realise it at that time, but working held the key to my own sanity. It didn't just let me pass the time, or allowed me to earn my own cash; it played an important role in making me feel like I had a purpose in life, the other factors being my studies, friends, and family. It was the push that convinced me to change for the better, to become more outgoing. When it was stripped away, my 'perfect' life suffered many cracks. Over time, the cracks widened and my sense of security rapidly degenerated. Working had benefitted me greatly; it took away my shyness, enchanced my self-esteem and confidence, introduced me to many wonderful colleagues that I had the pleasure of working with. And now...I can't get them back. Slowly, almost painfully, I was returning to my old self, the old me who was nothing but a pathetic wimp who deserved to die, be buried in the sands of time and be gone forever. But this problem was only the first of many.
The second blow came when it dawned on me that I couldn't seem to stop switching on the computer and stoning for hours when I should be making the most of my free time to revise and do homework. I would laze around, read, watch TV, do anything except pick up my textbooks...because for some reason, I dreaded facing the fact that there was no excuse for me not to study more. To escape from the harsh truth, I built a protective barrier around myself; I refused to listen to advice from friends and family, and procrastinated non-stop to delay revising. I hated what I was doing, but at the same time was powerless to stop it. Unsurprisingly, my grades slipped, but all I felt was a numbness in my heart. I didn't feel any regret or sorrow at all...and it scares me. It's a vicious cycle that never ends. A curse I can't remove. Why don't my studies matter to me anymore? They were once so important, but lately...lately...they only seem to be a burden I can't wait to shrug off.
And my friends. Friendship is both a bane and a blessing to me; always was, always will be. Hmm...how should I say this? Let's start with my MDIS friends...
My first friend in MDIS was Pwint; Gaiyathri joined soon after, followed by Rima, Mya, Anitha, Suhana, Yana and Bernard. And our clique was formed. We spent many hours hanging out, watching movies, lunching together and basically just having a blast. For the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere, that I was accepted. I was contented being where I was. I could be my true self instead of putting up walls all the time. Not only that, but I learnt so much about other countries - other cultures - from my friends. Life was indeed good, boosting my self-confidence to higher levels. With a steady job, and my studies and social life functioning well, I couldn't ask for more.
But fate interfered not long after, whittling our numbers down to 5, and then 3. Now, wherever I turn, I see other classmates - other cliques - chatting amiably during lectures; they need not fret during lab either, because they always have enough members to make up a whole group. I detest them for being intact, detest them for being a constant reminder of what we are missing (whywhywhy must it be my clique being torn apart?!?). I see it clearly in my mind's eye. 5 empty spaces where the other members should be. Our clique is never quite the same after that. How can it be? I'm drifting away from the rest, not as close as we used to be last time. WHY?!? Why must fate let me have a taste of life, only to cruelly take it away from me????
It's not just that...everytime I think of my JC classmates, the bitterness of regret lingers on my tongue, and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying. How foolish I was to throw away the opportunities handed to me on a silver plate; why didn't I open up to them back then?? I hated my JC so damn much, I failed to see the positive sides to it. People I could have been friends with...people I have been friends with...they treated me well, showed me much kindness; although I was pessimistic, they tried their best to encourage me. In fact, I still keep all their notes and messages urging me not to give up. At that time though, I pushed them away. Now I'm paying the price, 'cause there's not a single day when I don't replay the memories over and over...but perhaps this is for the best. Because no matter what I do, I can never repair our relationship. We are destined to remain acquaintances, not friends. Never friends. This torture my mind is put through is punishment for my own stupidity, and I have no right to complain.
Finally, my secondary school friends - the friends closest to me, having gone through thick and thin together. I shed countless tears over my wasted years in secondary school, over taking so long to get close to them and really know them; I was a silly, naive, pampered schoolgirl who had no idea what the world thought of her, and held no desire to know. Since then, I've never forgiven myself for growing up dependent on others, because this dependence was what fueled my shyness. It caused me to suffer all throughout my secondary school well into JC, only ending when I started work. The only bright spot is that now my friendship with them has grown stronger. I can only pray, and wish, and dream that it will remain so for a long time. Fate, please don't crush my last hope...I don't know what to do if this last glimmer of happiness is snatched from my hands too. I really don't........
I've never been strong. I break down in tears at the first sign of hardship, that everything isn't going well. All I can do is grasp at straws like a drowning person and wallow in self-pity, wondering why my life is hell compared to others I know. I often say what I don't think, refuse to say what I truly think, and in general just follow the masses. I'm a total fake - I know this, and it hurts deeply. It hurts when someone I admire and want to be don't consider me a proper friend...just some negative, depressed person to be left in the corner and forgotten. It hurts when friends and family keep supporting me, but I let them down. And it freaking hurts so much when I dwell on the past. It's a lie. All a lie!!! They lied when they say time heals all wounds...because no matter how long ago it was, the pain still feels the same..!!!!!!!!!!...
...I'm crying again...why am I crying..? I have no right to even feel . What do I exist for? Would the world miss me when I'm gone? No. The most is, people who know me would shed a few tears...but soon after they'll just get on with their lives as normal. And I'll just be a name, with no memory or feeling attached to it. Frankly speaking, that's all we are. Just names and identities. When we die, someone else takes our place. So when I die, I would like to reincarnate as a butterfly, or a bird...at least I can bring hope to the world, something my human self cannot do...
These few months have been a living nightmare for me. And it all started after I left my job. At first, I was excited; visions of visiting my ex-colleagues often, keeping in touch with them, hanging out with friends every now and then, being able to spend more time on my schoolwork and maintain my grades - all were terribly attractive to me, and I basked in the warmth of having more control over my life.
In reality, it's the opposite. I didn't realise it at that time, but working held the key to my own sanity. It didn't just let me pass the time, or allowed me to earn my own cash; it played an important role in making me feel like I had a purpose in life, the other factors being my studies, friends, and family. It was the push that convinced me to change for the better, to become more outgoing. When it was stripped away, my 'perfect' life suffered many cracks. Over time, the cracks widened and my sense of security rapidly degenerated. Working had benefitted me greatly; it took away my shyness, enchanced my self-esteem and confidence, introduced me to many wonderful colleagues that I had the pleasure of working with. And now...I can't get them back. Slowly, almost painfully, I was returning to my old self, the old me who was nothing but a pathetic wimp who deserved to die, be buried in the sands of time and be gone forever. But this problem was only the first of many.
The second blow came when it dawned on me that I couldn't seem to stop switching on the computer and stoning for hours when I should be making the most of my free time to revise and do homework. I would laze around, read, watch TV, do anything except pick up my textbooks...because for some reason, I dreaded facing the fact that there was no excuse for me not to study more. To escape from the harsh truth, I built a protective barrier around myself; I refused to listen to advice from friends and family, and procrastinated non-stop to delay revising. I hated what I was doing, but at the same time was powerless to stop it. Unsurprisingly, my grades slipped, but all I felt was a numbness in my heart. I didn't feel any regret or sorrow at all...and it scares me. It's a vicious cycle that never ends. A curse I can't remove. Why don't my studies matter to me anymore? They were once so important, but lately...lately...they only seem to be a burden I can't wait to shrug off.
And my friends. Friendship is both a bane and a blessing to me; always was, always will be. Hmm...how should I say this? Let's start with my MDIS friends...
My first friend in MDIS was Pwint; Gaiyathri joined soon after, followed by Rima, Mya, Anitha, Suhana, Yana and Bernard. And our clique was formed. We spent many hours hanging out, watching movies, lunching together and basically just having a blast. For the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere, that I was accepted. I was contented being where I was. I could be my true self instead of putting up walls all the time. Not only that, but I learnt so much about other countries - other cultures - from my friends. Life was indeed good, boosting my self-confidence to higher levels. With a steady job, and my studies and social life functioning well, I couldn't ask for more.
But fate interfered not long after, whittling our numbers down to 5, and then 3. Now, wherever I turn, I see other classmates - other cliques - chatting amiably during lectures; they need not fret during lab either, because they always have enough members to make up a whole group. I detest them for being intact, detest them for being a constant reminder of what we are missing (whywhywhy must it be my clique being torn apart?!?). I see it clearly in my mind's eye. 5 empty spaces where the other members should be. Our clique is never quite the same after that. How can it be? I'm drifting away from the rest, not as close as we used to be last time. WHY?!? Why must fate let me have a taste of life, only to cruelly take it away from me????
It's not just that...everytime I think of my JC classmates, the bitterness of regret lingers on my tongue, and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying. How foolish I was to throw away the opportunities handed to me on a silver plate; why didn't I open up to them back then?? I hated my JC so damn much, I failed to see the positive sides to it. People I could have been friends with...people I have been friends with...they treated me well, showed me much kindness; although I was pessimistic, they tried their best to encourage me. In fact, I still keep all their notes and messages urging me not to give up. At that time though, I pushed them away. Now I'm paying the price, 'cause there's not a single day when I don't replay the memories over and over...but perhaps this is for the best. Because no matter what I do, I can never repair our relationship. We are destined to remain acquaintances, not friends. Never friends. This torture my mind is put through is punishment for my own stupidity, and I have no right to complain.
Finally, my secondary school friends - the friends closest to me, having gone through thick and thin together. I shed countless tears over my wasted years in secondary school, over taking so long to get close to them and really know them; I was a silly, naive, pampered schoolgirl who had no idea what the world thought of her, and held no desire to know. Since then, I've never forgiven myself for growing up dependent on others, because this dependence was what fueled my shyness. It caused me to suffer all throughout my secondary school well into JC, only ending when I started work. The only bright spot is that now my friendship with them has grown stronger. I can only pray, and wish, and dream that it will remain so for a long time. Fate, please don't crush my last hope...I don't know what to do if this last glimmer of happiness is snatched from my hands too. I really don't........
I've never been strong. I break down in tears at the first sign of hardship, that everything isn't going well. All I can do is grasp at straws like a drowning person and wallow in self-pity, wondering why my life is hell compared to others I know. I often say what I don't think, refuse to say what I truly think, and in general just follow the masses. I'm a total fake - I know this, and it hurts deeply. It hurts when someone I admire and want to be don't consider me a proper friend...just some negative, depressed person to be left in the corner and forgotten. It hurts when friends and family keep supporting me, but I let them down. And it freaking hurts so much when I dwell on the past. It's a lie. All a lie!!! They lied when they say time heals all wounds...because no matter how long ago it was, the pain still feels the same..!!!!!!!!!!...
...I'm crying again...why am I crying..? I have no right to even feel . What do I exist for? Would the world miss me when I'm gone? No. The most is, people who know me would shed a few tears...but soon after they'll just get on with their lives as normal. And I'll just be a name, with no memory or feeling attached to it. Frankly speaking, that's all we are. Just names and identities. When we die, someone else takes our place. So when I die, I would like to reincarnate as a butterfly, or a bird...at least I can bring hope to the world, something my human self cannot do...
9/21/2010 04:17:00 pm
