Sunday, 28 June 2009
Ever since I left my job, things haven't been the same. I don't feel confident or secure anymore; deep within are boiling waves of turmoil, ready to bubble over at the slightest issue. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm still trying to focus all my attention on my studies, but recently I'm in no mood to do so. I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, and those who I turn to just stride briskly ahead linking arms and laughing, while I'm left behind to find my way. Alone...
I thought my past self was successfully buried. That the miserable, low self-esteem, pessimistic ghost of myself was lost in the winds of time, and I could hold my head up high and start over anew. I was determined that my future - and present - self would be very different from the past. I would make new friends with confidence; be helpful and cheerful; act as a friend to others.
I thought doing so would make everyone, including myself, much happier.
For a while, it actually worked! And I had never felt better about myself then. The taste of success was sweet, and I drank it all in. Life was great.
Now, though...
Everything's all wrong. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.
Damnit!!
WHY AM I NEVER FULLY ACCEPTED!?
I stick out like a sore thumb no matter who I'm with. And I'm tired. I've done my best, and it isn't enough. I'm really exhausted. I don't wish to keep up my happy facade anymore.
Perhaps it's best if I just quietly fade out of everyone's lives. Heh. What am I talking about? I was never really there in the first place.
How can I lose something I never had?
I thought my past self was successfully buried. That the miserable, low self-esteem, pessimistic ghost of myself was lost in the winds of time, and I could hold my head up high and start over anew. I was determined that my future - and present - self would be very different from the past. I would make new friends with confidence; be helpful and cheerful; act as a friend to others.
I thought doing so would make everyone, including myself, much happier.
For a while, it actually worked! And I had never felt better about myself then. The taste of success was sweet, and I drank it all in. Life was great.
Now, though...
Everything's all wrong. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.
Damnit!!
WHY AM I NEVER FULLY ACCEPTED!?
I stick out like a sore thumb no matter who I'm with. And I'm tired. I've done my best, and it isn't enough. I'm really exhausted. I don't wish to keep up my happy facade anymore.
Perhaps it's best if I just quietly fade out of everyone's lives. Heh. What am I talking about? I was never really there in the first place.
How can I lose something I never had?
6/28/2009 11:27:00 am
