Wednesday, 11 June 2008
I know I've been very selfish recently, wallowing in self-pity without sparing a thought for others. So far, I've managed to push almost everyone who cares about me out of my life - I've argued with my parents over some computer game, hurt my friend by bluntly stating that I wasn't interested in helping her any longer and declined all offers from my colleagues to lunch together, preferring instead to sit alone. Never mind the fact that they too have hurt me through their actions and words (whether intentionally or not).
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to put up a brave front, of needing to hide behind a permanent grin. Everyday, I wear a mask to disguise my true emotions, to suppress the flood of feelings deep within me. No one really knows what goes through my mind because I appear normal as usual. Apparently, my acting is good enough to win an Oscar normination. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm still providing guidance and advice to those who seek answers when I desperately need help as well? I feel miserable, yet at the same time detached from everything. I feel like I'm seeing my own life from someone's else eyes; that it's just a nightmare, that it's not part of reality.
One small thing though: I take comfort in the fact that I still have the ability to bring a smile to the faces of others, no matter how small. It reminds me that I am alive and is the hope that keeps me hanging on.
But for now, there is nothing but darkness all around.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to put up a brave front, of needing to hide behind a permanent grin. Everyday, I wear a mask to disguise my true emotions, to suppress the flood of feelings deep within me. No one really knows what goes through my mind because I appear normal as usual. Apparently, my acting is good enough to win an Oscar normination. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm still providing guidance and advice to those who seek answers when I desperately need help as well? I feel miserable, yet at the same time detached from everything. I feel like I'm seeing my own life from someone's else eyes; that it's just a nightmare, that it's not part of reality.
One small thing though: I take comfort in the fact that I still have the ability to bring a smile to the faces of others, no matter how small. It reminds me that I am alive and is the hope that keeps me hanging on.
But for now, there is nothing but darkness all around.
6/11/2008 04:07:00 pm
